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happiness

 Something click to me today. I don't know where it came from, maybe from the books I've read or from movies, but I realised something, Happiness is something that you need to create for yourself. Others can't make you happy if you are not happy no matter what they do. And you can't make people happy when you are unhappy. 

A Tribute to my dear cousin

 I went to work today as usual, joking around with my colleagues, went to my sister's place to pick up my parents only to be told that my cousin has passed away last night 28.01.2010 at 8 p.m Jakarta time. There was no sign at all. I can only think of why is it him? He's life has been hard, and just when it's about to turn around, he passed away just like that.

This entry would be dedicated for him as I remember him as his cousin. His name is Agus Tan, or known as Bun Bun to his families. He was born on 6th August 1980, 1 months older than me, the eldest of the twins, and his siblings. I don't remember much when we were babies and toddlers, but according to our elder cousins, he was as cute as a button. I remember being the same age, we were quite close the three of us, though there were times I hated it that we were of the same age since it makes my mom compare us all the time especially regarding our school result. As we grew older, his personality starts to become distinct. He was a rebel, headstrong, but nevertheless I know that he's kind since he has never shown any violent side to me or to other member of families. After high school, he quarrelled with his dad, my uncle, after that quarrel, his mom whom I suspect might suffer from schizophrenia told him to leave the country to work as his being in Jakarta will bring harm to the family. So he left to Taiwan to work for a few years, during those times, I was in China for half year and we correspondent through letters, he told me lots of stories of his life in Taiwan, his work, how there are lots of old ladies willing to pay him to be their toy boy, how there are few girls who has crush on him. And then I left China, we still keep in touch though it was less often, I still remember sending him a pic of me and my friends in Penang, and told him one of my friend is actually quite cute. I asked him if he wanted me to introduce her to him, which he said no. Then we met in Singapore for our older cousin's wedding, in which he open up his heart to us about his hardship in Taiwan. After that I lost contact with him, and his mother never let us know of his whereabouts. She told anyone who asked that he's working in U.S but refused to give out his phone number or address even to my uncle, his dad. 

10 or 11 years after he first left home, he finally came to look for my uncle on September 2009, that was the first time my uncle met him again after all those 11 years. And after they met, the truths comes out that all this time he has been working in Korea, and for the past 1 year he actually has been working in Jakarta, but his mother forbid him from looking his father. He opened up a business, but as soon as his business went bankrupt his mother kick him out of the house, saying to his siblings that he tried to kill her. During the last 5 months of his life, he's been a good son to his father, taking care of him, visiting him every weekend. I went back to Jakarta on October 2009, and he told me his story, about the time when he worked in Korea, how he was kicked and abused at his work place. I was happy that I finally met him again. He look so healthy and happy. That's why it came as a surprise to me that he has passed away. I was shocked, at first I thought it was because of an accident but then my mom told me that he can't breathe and then he passed away just like that his life has gone. 

I wish I could talk to him one more time but I know that it's impossible. I will miss him. Rest in Peace, my dear cousin Bun Bun.

Sad day

 My heart was broken today, with no warning nor clues, it just happened, I have my guess of why but I wish that wasn't the reason. He told me he's no longer interested in me. Lol it's that easy for him to change his heart, while not long ago he said he wouldn't hurt me. Well guess what I'm hurt, sad, angry, confused. I cried myself for long time and though it took the pain away for a little bit, it's till there gnawing my heart. This is not the first I'm hurt, but I sure hope it would be the last. I know the pain will eventually gone but I wish it would disappear faster. How I wish I could forget all this, and just think of it as a bad dream. Do I regret knowing him? At the moment yes, there are so many things that I regretted, I regret meeting him, I regret knowing him, I regret falling for him, and most of all I regret for being a fool for waiting for his SMS to tell me that it was all a mistake, and I regret that I have the  thought if I had done or said something wrong and did it another way will it end this way? Will he still be interested in me? But then I thought If I bend to everyone of his will and wishes wouldn't that make me lose my identity? what about my will? what about my wish? I'm tired of having to read his mood all the time, but I still liked him, I still have butterfly in my stomach whenever I chat with him, received his SMS. Sometimes at night I wonder how can I liked him at all, but I guess that's what love's all about it's unpredictable. *sigh* Why do I have to pay for being honest with my feelings?


I walk, I stumble, and I fall, but I'll pick myself up again and walk with head held high.

Life could be a dream

 And the dream has shattered. After 2 days of hoping, praying and dreaming of what I would do If I win the 90 million jackpot on the tattslotto, turns out I didn't win lol. Well not really, I do win a bit so it's not all too bad. But still I wonder who won the jackpot and what are they going to do with all those money. Oh well I'll just wait for the next big jackpot who knows my dream might come true :)

Dark Monday

 I survived Monday!!! yay!!! I was tempted to call in sick this morning, but decided not to since 1. I've no more sick leave days available, in fact I'm owing in my sick leave, and 2. since I already wake up anyway so just go to work. It's getting harder and harder for me to go to work now, the fact that I dislike my manager doesn't help at all. Not to mention a colleague who is in a bad mood cause he has a quarrel with his partner made it worse.

Anyway all in all it's not a really bad day, hardly had any customer who winged. Sometimes though I do feel like saying to them " Do I look like I care?" when they had a complaint or winging. Well I made a resolve on my last day at my job before I retired, that's what I'm going to say when someone make a complaint.

Writer's Block: RIP Michael Jackson

In honor of the King of Pop: What is your favorite Michael Jackson song?
 Wow, I'm so excited, this is the first time I have a blog or online journal. I know I know it's really late in this time of technology, but hey better late than never right.

Anyways, I started my day with a normal one, went to my eye specialist to have a check up on my eye inflammation, then have a brekky at maccas, it's seems like a normal day to me, but as soon as I reach my workplace, one of my colleague told me "It's so sad isn't it" I was like huh? what? what happen? Then she said Don't you hear the radio? Michael Jackson has passed away, I was so shocked, I was like are you kidding? how come?

Anyway, I'll skip the boring details but what I want to say is that it's so sad that Michael Jackson passed away just like that, and right before he's come back tour. He's a good singer, I've enjoyed many of his songs growing up, I'm sure that he will be missed, but nevertheless, he will never be forgotten, his songs will be sung by many more generation.